When “social progress” becomes an excuse for self-indulgence.
It was early in my entertainment career, soon after I shifted my focus from dance to film. It was an opportunity that had the potential to change my life.
I had been cast as a body double for a character on the TV show Salem. I would be doubling for the actress who played Billy, a girl who tries to pass herself off as a young man. I had been chosen for my muscularity and skin tone. I hoped that, if I performed well, this could lead to future opportunities. Perhaps I could be cast again on Salem for future nude scenes. You never know what might happen in the film industry.
I drove for four hours to the set where I met the actress. She was cute, bubbly and friendly. She was a theatre actress, mostly. She told me how she and her theatre group had been working out a few times a week so she could get in better shape, and how she had lost a few pounds. I liked her at first. I don’t know what she thought about me as a person, but her actions to follow would suggest she saw me as a threat and a competition.
I didn’t realize that she had been wanting to show her own body in the nude scene. She had come to the set that day with the intention of convincing the director not to use me, and to let her do the scene instead. She made comments that suggested as much when I was around. Little things, like telling the director she was “ready to show [her] butt”. But I didn’t realize the greater implication. I went through a rehearsal of the scene, and then was instructed to wait, robed, in another room.
She came in later, after the scene, looking very proud of herself, and only then did I realize what had happened. I had been cast as a body double, had driven several hours for the role in nervous anticipation, and had arrived ready to work and learn as much as I could. And this girl had convinced the director not to use me. She called it a “win for feminism”. I stayed quiet at the time, not knowing what to say, but knowing that the situation didn’t sit well with me.
Looking back, I wish I had said something. I wish I had said a few things.
A win for feminism? In what way is it a win for feminism to actively take an opportunity away from another woman for the sake of your own ego? In what way is it a win for feminism to disregard the years of hard work another woman has done so that you can give yourself an ego boost for your three months of working out? In what way is it a win for feminism for you to disregard your job as an actress — which is to serve the role of a character — in favor of making yourself feel accomplished?
This actress had been working out for a few months to get in shape. I have been cultivating an athletic lifestyle for most of my life, exercising nearly every day for, at that time, 10 years or more. The character was not just a regular girl, but a fighter, a girl who was trying to pass as a young man so that she could fight in a militia. Yet this actress didn’t take even a moment to consider what body would better fit the role of the character in a nude scene. All she seemed to consider was what she wanted for herself at that moment.
This is the problem I have with label movements. I have seldom met someone who identified as an outspoken feminist who didn’t appear to be attaching themselves to the word for the sake of ego, as a way to hide their insecurities under a “cause”. Looking at their actions, I find the most vocal “feminists” seldom stand for real equality or freedom. What I see far more often are anger and defensiveness, and a lack of willingness to take responsibility for these emotions and the situations these people face.
I could have, and perhaps should have, spoken up at that time. I could have pushed to keep my role, had I realized what was happening. I’m not sure I would have, though. I was timid and self-conscious. I have learned a lot since then and perhaps I would now at least question that actress more in her reasoning. As it is, I’ll simply have to learn from the experience. Hopefully, someone else can learn from it, too.
